You should've left the light on

[foepas]

Who: Alec and Koujaku
Universe: Carvaka
What: a continuation of a thread from Carvaka
Warning: possible violence, reference to previous violence, suicidal tendencies

Alec doesn't flinch at the words in part because of the fact that there's not quite a bite in them, and that's surprising. He can certainly handle foul language just fine.

"What I am is useless and a burden. And things here aren't exactly enjoyable, so it all seems pretty pointless." Alec's chin lifts, defiant. "But I'd still rather starvation than a different kind of pain." Like what had happened last time with Koujaku.

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[kaba]

He pauses at that, and his expression softens up into something much sadder as he slumps his shoulders in resignation.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” He takes a deep breath. “And I won’t try to stop you.”

It bothers him that that’s the easier question to answer. He wouldn’t have been able to state outright that he’s emotionally dependent on other people to an unhealthy degree at times—he doesn’t often realize it himself. And with most of his friends, with Aoba gone…

[foepas]

Alec shakes his head, abrupt and sharp. What would happen if he did speak of it? Koujaku seemed resigned to the fallout, but that itself seems impossible.

“I want to see you hurt,” he tells the other man, because it’s as true as everything else he’s said, even if he won’t do it himself.

“I don’t know why you think you should be my friend.”

[kaba]

Well, what did he really expect? He has no right to ask for forgiveness and a fresh start, not even in a depressing wasteland with everything gone. He stares at Alec for a long moment before placing a hand on the hilt of his sword, as if he’s preparing to engage him, though the expression he gives Alec is as sorrowful as ever.

Funny how a chance encounter from months ago would turn out like this.

“All right, then,” he says quietly, keeping the trembling out of his voice. “Where do you wanna start?” Hurting him, that is.

[foepas]

Alec is certain that he’s lost the thread of the conversation somewhere, is not sure what Koujaku is going to do now. Alec doesn’t have anyone in this settlement left who will reach out to hurt someone else for him.

“I can’t do it,” Alec says. His hands are clenched into fists at his side.

“I just think you deserve it.”

[kaba]

He heaves a sigh, casting Alec a forlorn look. If they could commiserate over how alone they both feel…

“That makes two of us.” But he draws his sword anyway, and thrusts its point into the soil, the blade facing away from Alec. He’s aware that dying is a pretty bad idea here—partly because he’s afraid of it himself, and partly because it would put a strain on the Hedonists’ own abilities. Yet he’s sure he can kill himself, if that’s what Alec really wants. He owes the guy that much.

“I could use this on myself too, but I don’t think you’d want to see that.” Seppuku is always such a messy business, after all.

[foepas]

Alec's eyes follow the blade, more fascinated by it than anything else. There's so much weight on both of them, and he doesn't know what to do, doesn't know if there's a step forward they can take.

"Why do you think I wouldn't want to see that?" A sigh, though, and he's not really expecting an answer to that. "Would you be willing to let me keep your sword?" Not like it does him much good, but still.

[kaba]

Because you’re saner than I am, he thinks, but doesn’t manage to say aloud. Vaguely, he wonders if any of them are sane at all, after a few months in this place, but Alec has after all implied a rather shady past from before the world just…ended like this.

Still, even Koujaku can sympathize with that. He tilts the hilt of it toward Alec.

“Be my guest.” Why refuse such a simple request? Isn’t this what he wanted anyway? To let Alec have a say in his own fate? If Alec strikes him down right now he wouldn’t even flinch.

[foepas]

Alec reaches for the hilt, and there are an awful lot of possibilities come with the blade. It's not like Alec knows how to use it, not like he feels any safer with it in his grasp.

The sword seems to have a surprising weight to it, but he brings it over to his side anyway.

"How long have you had it?"

[kaba]

“I dunno,” he replies, looking a little concerned that Alec might not even be able to wield that thing properly, but it’s not like he knows how familiar the guy is with weapons like these to begin with.

“I’ve had it for years, ever since…” The thought brings a bitter smile. “Probably since I went back to my hometown.”

[foepas]

Alec knows what swords are, but it's true that he doesn't know what to do with it, has never learned to handle them. It's the main reason Richard had let him watch him practice, because Alec doesn't pay the right amount of attention to the technique to pick up on anything. Still, Alec keeps his hand wrapped around the hilt.

"How many people have you killed with it?"

[kaba]

Another pointed question—it’s a wonder that Alec can’t kill with words alone. But he’s come this far, and he does owe Alec some honesty, if nothing else. It isn’t as if he’s got much to offer, anyway.

So Koujaku steels himself and looks him in the eye: “I don’t know. More than I can count, probably.” More than his own hazy memories of the past would admit, anyway.

[foepas]

Alec gives him back a thoroughly unimpressed look. The truth is that the person Alec's been able to use his words against has usually been himself, and even if he proves himself smarter than whoever resorts to violence, it isn't the best of strategies.

"What's the point of that?" he asks.

[kaba]

“I don’t know!” he growls, more angry with himself than with Alec, though all those upsetting questions he keeps asking aren’t helping, either. Koujaku doesn’t really want to keep a tally of his sins—they weigh on him heavily enough. And now he’s reliving that day to satisfy some guy’s curiosity because of…what? Is this Alec’s own way of taking revenge? It doesn’t make much sense to him.

“If my life made a hell of a lot more sense I wouldn’t be here, trying to make up for something…” Something he couldn’t help? He shakes his head, and sighs. “Look, I don’t want to make this about anyone else we have or haven’t offed. Let’s keep it to just you and me.”

[foepas]

"You and me," Alec repeats back. It sounds idiotic that way. This whole situation is idiotic, Koujaku showing up to do...what? To convince Alec that all of this matters? To make amends?

"I don't think that really matters." Alec sighs, his hand tightening on the hilt of the sword -- all wrong, and it's clear he has no idea how to hold it. It's also clear he doesn't care. "You're welcome to leave, whenever you wish."

[kaba]

“Fine,” he says at last, having found no other excuse to keep him there. “But don’t think this is the last you’ll see of me.”

That sounds like a threat. He wants to slap himself for that.

Instead he sighs and scratches at the back of his head. He’s never been quite as good with words as Alec seems to be.

“We all need someone to look out for us.”

[foepas]

Alec lifts his eyebrows, pointing out the absurdity of the statement and it's accompanying sudden gesture. If it's a threat then Koujaku is terrible at making them. If it's not one, then Koujaku is terrible at making apologies.

"We all need something worth looking after."

It's not agreement.