Alec (
foepas) wrote in
birdwithoutasong2016-10-30 09:58 pm
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You should've left the light on
Who: Alec and Koujaku
Universe: Carvaka
What: a continuation of a thread from Carvaka
Warning: possible violence, reference to previous violence, suicidal tendencies
Alec doesn't flinch at the words in part because of the fact that there's not quite a bite in them, and that's surprising. He can certainly handle foul language just fine.
"What I am is useless and a burden. And things here aren't exactly enjoyable, so it all seems pretty pointless." Alec's chin lifts, defiant. "But I'd still rather starvation than a different kind of pain." Like what had happened last time with Koujaku.
Universe: Carvaka
What: a continuation of a thread from Carvaka
Warning: possible violence, reference to previous violence, suicidal tendencies
Alec doesn't flinch at the words in part because of the fact that there's not quite a bite in them, and that's surprising. He can certainly handle foul language just fine.
"What I am is useless and a burden. And things here aren't exactly enjoyable, so it all seems pretty pointless." Alec's chin lifts, defiant. "But I'd still rather starvation than a different kind of pain." Like what had happened last time with Koujaku.
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“Do you get off on that?” he demands, not hiding the agitation in his voice. “Just letting yourself suffer like that, like you’re…like you’re not worth anything?” He recalls how terrified Alec had been that time—how even he had refused to die at his hands even then. If nothing else, it had been an indication of some sense of self-worth—certainly more than Koujaku would have.
“Because it’s not fucking funny! There are people out here who give a shit about you and you—”
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“I’m not the one who gets off on having me suffer, as I recall.” He gestures, even so stepping back from Koujaku, afraid to get too close to the man, wanting to keep the distance.
“And there’s no one here who gives a shit about anything. Now go, and get back to that somewhere else.”
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“You just don’t get it!” With a growl, he reaches out with both hands to grab Alec by the shoulders, yanking him forward until they can see eye to eye.
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“Let me go,” he says, and however he manages the first set of words, the next one comes out decidedly begging, pride swallowed by memories of what happened last time. “Please. I’m sorry.”
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His grip on Alec—though more relaxed than before—nonetheless stays, as Koujaku pulls him up in an embrace and buries his own face in the other’s shoulder, forcing out a reply between sobs.
“No, it’s…” He finds that he can’t continue after all.
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Instead he lets his eyes rest on the other man’s, trying to focus over the pounding of his own heart.
“What do you want from me?” He can’t pretend everything is fine, not when Koujaku has previously torn those defenses from him and left them as tattered as his body.
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“Just…” His thoughts are in shambles right now, but even then he knows he has to make one thing clear: “If—If a monster like me could still be afraid of dying…” What more a normal human being like Alec, who’d done no wrong? “Then you…don’t you think you deserve to live more than I do?”
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Whether or not Koujaku deserved to live was something Alec wouldn’t comment on, though if Richard were here he would have killed the other man for Alec.
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But for the moment his own existence is of little concern when he realizes just how uncomfortable Alec must be feeling right now, to be subject to…this. Koujaku promptly lets go, his eyes puffy and red, the beast within having retreated to the darker corners of his mind for the time being.
“That’s not true,” he says bluntly.
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“Like fuck it’s not.” Nothing here is something he’s good at, and there’s no one here any longer that enjoys having Alec around. Especially Alec himself.
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“How the hell did you even convince yourself of that?” he demands. Alec is not a monster, after all. At least, that’s his working hypothesis. He’s really just winging it at this point, desperate to understand and yet afraid to tread new territory, to foster intimacies where they might not be warranted. “What would your friends think if you tried to leave them all behind like that?”
Because that sure is the only thing that even kept Koujaku from killing himself the first and second times around.
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“What friends? I don’t have any.”
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He can’t blame him. He can’t really blame him. And for a moment Koujaku has nothing to say in reply. Instead, he’s meekly looking downward at their feet, before his face twists in a frown and he clicks his tongue with some irritation.
“Well, you’ve got one anyhow.”
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But that doesn’t mean he can just accept Koujaku at his word.
“With friends like these, who needs enemies? So you want me to stay alive for your sake?” It sounds like complete horseshit.
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“But no. I ain’t asking anyone to live for me and I’d be a real damn bastard to expect that of anyone.” Thinking of his father—like hell if he’ll subject Alec to that.
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Alec frowns deeply at Koujaku. He can't come up with any good reason because there is none. At most, there's just the fear of death, as well as the fear that that wouldn't actually be the end of it all.
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“What am I thinking…” he mutters, resisting the urge to punch himself in the face. He squeezes his eyes shut, takes a deep, calming breath, and looks Alec square in the eye.
“I guess I don’t have an answer for that after all.” Or at least, he hasn’t got anything that’s not Go ahead and make it quick.
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“What would you let me do, to make up for it? What would work, in your view?”
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“Run away,” he says simply, recalling how Alec had tried before Koujaku had pounced on him and cringing slightly. “Or, if it came down to just you and me, I'd like you to off me without a second thought.”
He’s not even going to touch all those other nasty issues they’ve brought up—this is the only clear answer he can give anyone about his actions in the nightmare bubbles.
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“I don’t think that I’m worth more than you.” He cocks his head. “Do you think that?”
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“You’re not a monster.” Isn’t that enough? Fuck, it hurt to even say it.
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“Do you want to hide behind impossibilities? Men can make poor decisions too. I’m not better than you, just weaker.”
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“You’re…not a murderer,” he says, uncertainly, a twinge of bitterness in his voice at the admission. Those dead bodies in his dream bubble are all specters of a past he’d much sooner forget, after all.
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Had Koujaku been torturing someone else, Alec doesn't know that he would have cared. Of course it being personal changes things.
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But no one ever said that it would be fucking easy to try and understand somebody else, especially when that somebody is trying so hard to push him away.
But Koujaku doesn’t lunge for him—yet. “Got that?”
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If it’s absolution, then he’d be better off going to pretty much anyone else.
“It sure felt like one.” He tilts his chin up, eyes burning with challenge.
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He takes a step back, still fuming. “Forget it. I didn’t come all the way here to play with you.”
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“Then leave me be.”
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If they can even end this. It feels like they’re going around in circles…but some threats have to be made, after all.
“If not I’m coming over every day to make sure you’re not up to anything stupid.”
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A pause, and then, his eyes careful on the man's face. "Alive, I can tell others what you did." He hasn't, and there's not much force in the threat. He figures they wouldn't really care.
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“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” He takes a deep breath. “And I won’t try to stop you.”
It bothers him that that’s the easier question to answer. He wouldn’t have been able to state outright that he’s emotionally dependent on other people to an unhealthy degree at times—he doesn’t often realize it himself. And with most of his friends, with Aoba gone…
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“I want to see you hurt,” he tells the other man, because it’s as true as everything else he’s said, even if he won’t do it himself.
“I don’t know why you think you should be my friend.”
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Funny how a chance encounter from months ago would turn out like this.
“All right, then,” he says quietly, keeping the trembling out of his voice. “Where do you wanna start?” Hurting him, that is.
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“I can’t do it,” Alec says. His hands are clenched into fists at his side.
“I just think you deserve it.”
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“That makes two of us.” But he draws his sword anyway, and thrusts its point into the soil, the blade facing away from Alec. He’s aware that dying is a pretty bad idea here—partly because he’s afraid of it himself, and partly because it would put a strain on the Hedonists’ own abilities. Yet he’s sure he can kill himself, if that’s what Alec really wants. He owes the guy that much.
“I could use this on myself too, but I don’t think you’d want to see that.” Seppuku is always such a messy business, after all.
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"Why do you think I wouldn't want to see that?" A sigh, though, and he's not really expecting an answer to that. "Would you be willing to let me keep your sword?" Not like it does him much good, but still.
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Still, even Koujaku can sympathize with that. He tilts the hilt of it toward Alec.
“Be my guest.” Why refuse such a simple request? Isn’t this what he wanted anyway? To let Alec have a say in his own fate? If Alec strikes him down right now he wouldn’t even flinch.
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The sword seems to have a surprising weight to it, but he brings it over to his side anyway.
"How long have you had it?"
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“I’ve had it for years, ever since…” The thought brings a bitter smile. “Probably since I went back to my hometown.”
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"How many people have you killed with it?"
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So Koujaku steels himself and looks him in the eye: “I don’t know. More than I can count, probably.” More than his own hazy memories of the past would admit, anyway.
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"What's the point of that?" he asks.
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“If my life made a hell of a lot more sense I wouldn’t be here, trying to make up for something…” Something he couldn’t help? He shakes his head, and sighs. “Look, I don’t want to make this about anyone else we have or haven’t offed. Let’s keep it to just you and me.”
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"I don't think that really matters." Alec sighs, his hand tightening on the hilt of the sword -- all wrong, and it's clear he has no idea how to hold it. It's also clear he doesn't care. "You're welcome to leave, whenever you wish."
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That sounds like a threat. He wants to slap himself for that.
Instead he sighs and scratches at the back of his head. He’s never been quite as good with words as Alec seems to be.
“We all need someone to look out for us.”
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"We all need something worth looking after."
It's not agreement.