foepas: (dare you to try)
Alec ([personal profile] foepas) wrote in [community profile] birdwithoutasong2016-10-30 09:58 pm

You should've left the light on

Who: Alec and Koujaku
Universe: Carvaka
What: a continuation of a thread from Carvaka
Warning: possible violence, reference to previous violence, suicidal tendencies

Alec doesn't flinch at the words in part because of the fact that there's not quite a bite in them, and that's surprising. He can certainly handle foul language just fine.

"What I am is useless and a burden. And things here aren't exactly enjoyable, so it all seems pretty pointless." Alec's chin lifts, defiant. "But I'd still rather starvation than a different kind of pain." Like what had happened last time with Koujaku.
kaba: (✿ That's pretty bald of you)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-10-31 05:47 am (UTC)(link)
And still he has to fight off the urge to let his normally hot temper get the best of him, though he’s already feeling his resolve crumble somewhat. Alec just doesn’t understand. That’s all.

“Do you get off on that?” he demands, not hiding the agitation in his voice. “Just letting yourself suffer like that, like you’re…like you’re not worth anything?” He recalls how terrified Alec had been that time—how even he had refused to die at his hands even then. If nothing else, it had been an indication of some sense of self-worth—certainly more than Koujaku would have.

“Because it’s not fucking funny! There are people out here who give a shit about you and you—”
kaba: (✿ That's pretty bald of you)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-01 08:01 am (UTC)(link)
And reminding him of that one horrible moment gets him to snap.

“You just don’t get it!” With a growl, he reaches out with both hands to grab Alec by the shoulders, yanking him forward until they can see eye to eye.
kaba: (✿ Shave the princess?)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-01 02:41 pm (UTC)(link)
That look in Alec’s eyes is enough to yank him back into sanity, and Koujaku’s eyes go wide with shock as his grip—with an effort—begins to loosen. A dozen thoughts whirl in his mind—admissions of guilt and non-guilt, apologies and confessions, screams, half-truths, and excuses upon excuses upon excuses. I didn’t mean to hovers on his tongue and dries out just as quickly as it comes, that pathetic apology Alec’s giving him mirroring his own unsaid thoughts…

His grip on Alec—though more relaxed than before—nonetheless stays, as Koujaku pulls him up in an embrace and buries his own face in the other’s shoulder, forcing out a reply between sobs.

No, it’s…” He finds that he can’t continue after all.
kaba: (✿ A hairy situation)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-02 03:41 pm (UTC)(link)
Nothing.” How hard is it for Alec to realize that? But Koujaku knows that he’s the last person who should be begging for forgiveness, anyway. Intentional or not, everyone will always suffer because of his actions. That much this place makes clear.

“Just…” His thoughts are in shambles right now, but even then he knows he has to make one thing clear: “If—If a monster like me could still be afraid of dying…” What more a normal human being like Alec, who’d done no wrong? “Then you…don’t you think you deserve to live more than I do?”
kaba: (✿ Time to pony up)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-04 02:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Hell, he would’ve personally thanked anyone who cared to put him out of his own misery, but that’s neither here nor there.

But for the moment his own existence is of little concern when he realizes just how uncomfortable Alec must be feeling right now, to be subject to…this. Koujaku promptly lets go, his eyes puffy and red, the beast within having retreated to the darker corners of his mind for the time being.

“That’s not true,” he says bluntly.
kaba: (✿ That's pretty bald of you)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-05 11:34 am (UTC)(link)
He takes a deep, calming breath, rubbing at his temples before dragging his hand over his face. This is not going well at all, and Koujaku isn’t as good a talker as this brat is.

“How the hell did you even convince yourself of that?” he demands. Alec is not a monster, after all. At least, that’s his working hypothesis. He’s really just winging it at this point, desperate to understand and yet afraid to tread new territory, to foster intimacies where they might not be warranted. “What would your friends think if you tried to leave them all behind like that?”

Because that sure is the only thing that even kept Koujaku from killing himself the first and second times around.
kaba: (✿ Razor roof razor roof)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-05 04:00 pm (UTC)(link)
But Koujaku realizes his mistake—albeit not wholly the one Alec thinks he’s made. Of course it’s pretty fucking insensitive of him to bring up friends in a time when most of their lot has already been vanishing, and here Koujaku’s desperately trying to keep this guy grounded in reality when he’s doing everything possible to just fade away entirely.

He can’t blame him. He can’t really blame him. And for a moment Koujaku has nothing to say in reply. Instead, he’s meekly looking downward at their feet, before his face twists in a frown and he clicks his tongue with some irritation.

“Well, you’ve got one anyhow.”
kaba: (✿ But I'll shave it for later)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-06 11:46 am (UTC)(link)
“It’s not the kind of thing I’d say lightly!” Though he’ll concede that his convictions are probably a bit thoughtless—although they generally are, anyway.

“But no. I ain’t asking anyone to live for me and I’d be a real damn bastard to expect that of anyone.” Thinking of his father—like hell if he’ll subject Alec to that.
kaba: (✿ It's a sham!  Poor Aoba.)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-08 03:12 pm (UTC)(link)
“Will that make you feel any better then?” he answers hotly, though he almost expects Alec to take him seriously. It would be some slight form of revenge, which is something Koujaku’s perfectly willing to provide, despite how shitty of a mood he’s in right now.
kaba: (✿ Knot this shit again)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-21 03:31 pm (UTC)(link)
Like hell it’s ever going to work. Koujaku’s had to live with committing genocide for years, and each and every day it gets harder and harder for him to want to cling on—especially with Aoba now gone from his life. It would be so easy for Alec to just take the easy road…

“What am I thinking…” he mutters, resisting the urge to punch himself in the face. He squeezes his eyes shut, takes a deep, calming breath, and looks Alec square in the eye.

“I guess I don’t have an answer for that after all.” Or at least, he hasn’t got anything that’s not Go ahead and make it quick.
kaba: I sound like Elmer Fudd (✿ Unbeweavable)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-22 09:20 am (UTC)(link)
It feels more like an affirmation of Koujaku’s own sheer cluelessness anyway, but he doesn’t mind it. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d just be winging it, anyway.

“Run away,” he says simply, recalling how Alec had tried before Koujaku had pounced on him and cringing slightly. “Or, if it came down to just you and me, I'd like you to off me without a second thought.”

He’s not even going to touch all those other nasty issues they’ve brought up—this is the only clear answer he can give anyone about his actions in the nightmare bubbles.
kaba: (✿ Time to pony up)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-11-25 01:26 pm (UTC)(link)
Even in this state Alec still manages to talk down to him. Incredible. But Koujaku’s worn out his anger for the time being, and only manages to give Alec a flat stare in response.

“You’re not a monster.” Isn’t that enough? Fuck, it hurt to even say it.
kaba: (✿ Why can't you be straight with me?)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-12-03 03:21 am (UTC)(link)
He looks utterly baffled at that.

“You’re…not a murderer,” he says, uncertainly, a twinge of bitterness in his voice at the admission. Those dead bodies in his dream bubble are all specters of a past he’d much sooner forget, after all.
kaba: (✿ That's a crew cut)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-12-04 02:58 pm (UTC)(link)
“It’s not a game to me!” There it is—Alec’s bound to find the right thing to break that little stalemate of theirs. It’s hard not to stiffen up at that remark about playing with his food. It’s hard not to see red after recalling how his mother apologized to him over and over again as she lay dying. It’s hard not to grit his teeth and feel his muscles tense when it feels like Alec is playing with him again, like he always does, and Koujaku’s almost inclined not to take that confession of murder by proxy at face value.

But no one ever said that it would be fucking easy to try and understand somebody else, especially when that somebody is trying so hard to push him away.

But Koujaku doesn’t lunge for him—yet. “Got that?
kaba: I sound like Elmer Fudd (✿ Unbeweavable)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-12-05 02:14 pm (UTC)(link)
He has to take a few deep breaths to calm down, to stare down at that defiance and try not to let his pride take over. It would be so much easier to get offended, to give some young punk a good thrashing for ever crossing him, but…

He takes a step back, still fuming. “Forget it. I didn’t come all the way here to play with you.”
kaba: (✿ Time to pony up)

[personal profile] kaba 2016-12-18 08:31 am (UTC)(link)
“Only if I’m sure you’re fucking taking care of yourself.” Back to this again—but at least he tries to keep himself from making any sudden movements this time. Although he might have to go and punch something repeatedly to relieve himself of all this tension when this conversation is over.

If they can even end this. It feels like they’re going around in circles…but some threats have to be made, after all.

“If not I’m coming over every day to make sure you’re not up to anything stupid.”
kaba: (✿ Wow tuft crowd)

[personal profile] kaba 2017-04-07 03:19 pm (UTC)(link)
He pauses at that, and his expression softens up into something much sadder as he slumps his shoulders in resignation.

“Yeah. Yeah, you can.” He takes a deep breath. “And I won’t try to stop you.”

It bothers him that that’s the easier question to answer. He wouldn’t have been able to state outright that he’s emotionally dependent on other people to an unhealthy degree at times—he doesn’t often realize it himself. And with most of his friends, with Aoba gone…
kaba: (✿ Don't wig out on me)

[personal profile] kaba 2017-04-28 12:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Well, what did he really expect? He has no right to ask for forgiveness and a fresh start, not even in a depressing wasteland with everything gone. He stares at Alec for a long moment before placing a hand on the hilt of his sword, as if he’s preparing to engage him, though the expression he gives Alec is as sorrowful as ever.

Funny how a chance encounter from months ago would turn out like this.

“All right, then,” he says quietly, keeping the trembling out of his voice. “Where do you wanna start?” Hurting him, that is.
kaba: (✿ But Mink I dread locks)

[personal profile] kaba 2017-07-16 11:43 am (UTC)(link)
He heaves a sigh, casting Alec a forlorn look. If they could commiserate over how alone they both feel…

“That makes two of us.” But he draws his sword anyway, and thrusts its point into the soil, the blade facing away from Alec. He’s aware that dying is a pretty bad idea here—partly because he’s afraid of it himself, and partly because it would put a strain on the Hedonists’ own abilities. Yet he’s sure he can kill himself, if that’s what Alec really wants. He owes the guy that much.

“I could use this on myself too, but I don’t think you’d want to see that.” Seppuku is always such a messy business, after all.
kaba: (✿ Don't wig out on me)

[personal profile] kaba 2017-07-17 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Because you’re saner than I am, he thinks, but doesn’t manage to say aloud. Vaguely, he wonders if any of them are sane at all, after a few months in this place, but Alec has after all implied a rather shady past from before the world just…ended like this.

Still, even Koujaku can sympathize with that. He tilts the hilt of it toward Alec.

“Be my guest.” Why refuse such a simple request? Isn’t this what he wanted anyway? To let Alec have a say in his own fate? If Alec strikes him down right now he wouldn’t even flinch.